How to Create a Healing Empathic Presence
Steve Pollack • June 28, 2019
NVC in Real Life: the true essence of Nonviolent Communication
What is Healing, Empathic Presence?
While corresponding with a close friend, I recently found myself describing a very rare quality of healing, empathic presence. It’s a state of consciousness that I’ve been fortunate to experience while doing NVC-related work with clients (work which is similar to couples and family counseling, but really is neither of those). This uplifting, empathic presence also arises sometimes when talking with a friend or family member.This bit about empathy is so subtle that 20 years ago I didn’t understand the first thing about it. Only the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg helped me to really get it.I find it so challenging to describe clearly in words. Sometimes I’ve found myself instead writing about what it’s not. Empathy is not sympathy, for instance. It’s also not about offering strategies to get someone out of their pain right away. Empathic presence is not trying to teach the sufferer a lesson about how to avoid getting into this kind of pain. Those are all well and good at times, but according to NVC philosophy, they’re not empathy at all.
The Spiritual Experience of NVC Empathy
We've all experienced pure empathy at one time or another. While it's often associated with having compassion for someone's suffering, an empathetic experience can also connect you with someone who's in great joy or triumph. If only empathy weren't so mysterious! Then we might find ways to teach people a simple process for entering into an empathic state and enjoying that pure connection.
Just sitting and being with someone else, giving them your full unbroken attention, can help set the stage for it. A psychotherapist once told me that on a really good day, she finds herself in this wondrous state while in session. Even just sitting still in solitary meditation can help to open your heart to the mysterious presence of empathic awareness. There's joy and pain throughout the universe, and meditation helps you to observe it all with greater objectivity and compassion.
Just sitting and being with someone else, giving them your full unbroken attention, can help set the stage for it. A psychotherapist once told me that on a really good day, she finds herself in this wondrous state while in session. Even just sitting still in solitary meditation can help to open your heart to the mysterious presence of empathic awareness. There's joy and pain throughout the universe, and meditation helps you to observe it all with greater objectivity and compassion.
Decades of pursuing a particular path of spiritual meditation practices have revealed a few things. In my experience, it's rare to find someone who goes deep into meditation practices. The discipline is seen as exquisitely rigorous and demanding. Many will study the philosophical and intellectual side of a spiritual path, but few delve into the actual meditation discipline. So many feel impatient or hopeless and eventually stop meditating. When I see this, I feel compassion for them, and some sadness for the inspiring inner experiences that they may be missing.
Don't Just Do Something, Stand There!
There are many times when, as spiritual masters teach, we can do something to help others in need. Sometimes we offer assistance financially. Occasionally we help with information or strategies. Or, we may try actually sharing someone's burden.
Then there are those times when there's nothing more that we can do but to stand there and pray. We might also choose to meditate near a person in pain. While talking or relating with that person, we also have the capacity to be an empathic, compassionate presence. I’m reminded of what people in Hospice do for the dying.
Most folks think to be empathic, you must put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment. That’s close, but not really it at all. You’re not actually in their shoes. You probably can’t imagine exactly what their pain feels like; it’s something very hard to describe or define.
Many think empathy is just being kind and giving some sympathy. Some believe it is about taking on the other person’s pain. In reality, according to the NVC definition of empathy, it’s none of those things.
Empathy is profoundly mysterious by its very nature. There are numerous formulas for entering into an empathetic state of consciousness. There are all sorts of exercises and processes designed to awaken your own empathic healing nature. Sometimes these may help, but in my experience, the mystery of empathy is that it comes of its own sweet will. You know it when you're in it, but you just can't force it. Usually I feel it most strongly when working with clients who come to me for help with nonviolent communication and mediation of interpersonal conflicts. My clients sometimes refer other people to me, telling them they've found a really good therapist or psychologist. Of course I don't have the qualifications to be either of those, but I take it as a great compliment that they see me in this way.
Empathy is profoundly mysterious by its very nature. There are numerous formulas for entering into an empathetic state of consciousness. There are all sorts of exercises and processes designed to awaken your own empathic healing nature. Sometimes these may help, but in my experience, the mystery of empathy is that it comes of its own sweet will. You know it when you're in it, but you just can't force it. Usually I feel it most strongly when working with clients who come to me for help with nonviolent communication and mediation of interpersonal conflicts. My clients sometimes refer other people to me, telling them they've found a really good therapist or psychologist. Of course I don't have the qualifications to be either of those, but I take it as a great compliment that they see me in this way.
Can Your Therapist Offer A Healing, Empathic Presence?
Psychotherapists and other helping professionals are trained in giving empathy. They know when they’re in that empathic zone. That’s when they tend to feel naturally meditative and powerfully open-hearted. Some therapists say that’s when they’re at their best. Other therapists have told me they live for those days when they’re able to get into that compassionate flow state with a client. Then they feel connected inwardly. They feel inspired as they experience giving or “channeling” empathy silently, without dispensing advice.
I suspect that's why there’s an elite kind of therapist that’s popular in upscale areas, especially New York. Psychoanalysts and relational analysts receive more in-depth training than psychotherapists do. Psychoanalysts may charge $300 to $400 per hour. Their unique job is not to say anything except for a brief question here, and a comment there. They specialize, supposedly, in just listening with rapt attention and with silent empathy. They encourage you to talk your heart out with absolute trust they are on your side. You can enjoy freedom from fear of being judged or picked apart. You don’t have to worry about being told you are broken and need fixing.
Is Divinity the Ultimate in Empathic Presence?
A silent, profoundly empathic presence can be extraordinarily healing. It’s what I imagine God does when we talk to the divine, or to the most highly evolved spiritual teachers. According to many accounts, God doesn’t always say anything in response to prayers but is 100% present if you speak or pray from a place deep in your heart.
We humans, including even the best psychoanalysts, can only mimic that kind of purely empathic energy that Source can radiate.
Maybe deeply spiritual people with great faith never need this kind of empathy from a human being. They’re in the habit of receiving divine healing empathy directly from Source in their daily practices of meditation or prayer. Why would they turn to a person? Why would they spend $300 or more per hour when they can get it direct from Source, at no charge? They simply pray, meditate or talk with the Divine. Their attention flows from a heart that’s wide open, and a mind that’s absolutely focused and centered.
In that state of conscious connection with something ineffable, you can enjoy the ultimate empathic presence. In those moments, all your fears, worries and struggles are swept aside. Relief comes through inner silence, just as empathy does. Whenever possible, I treat myself to silent meditation before meeting with clients. I want to be as inwardly connected to the source of empathy as I can, so that I have more of it to give.
On a philosophical note, I've been recently reflecting on the long lists of universal human feelings and needs as described in the NVC teachings. I've asked myself why we love movies so passionately. I wonder why so many people enjoy a good human drama, as found in character-study films, documentaries, TV series, science fiction, etc. Also, why do people embrace the news so closely. Why do they seem to enjoy focusing their attention intently on the national and global news even though it's filled with chaotic drama. There seems to be less interest in the local news than the global news. In ancient times, all we had was immediate local news of our tribe or neighboring tribes. Nowadays, we've expanded our thirst for knowledge out to the ends of the earth. This is true especially of political news. Many like to air their views of political news and drama on social media. That can easily backfire, creating additional layers of drama in the commentary. In the extreme, it leads to "unfriending" a friend. Sometimes there's a loss of a close friend. Without some of these things, we might find our life to be a humdrum existence. We don't have to forage or hunt for food anymore. We don't have to run from wild animal predators most of the time--unless someone unleashes their aggressive dog. We can go out anytime of the day or night. Just 150 years ago it was very unsafe to go out at night due to wild animals, thieves etc. Many of us don't hold positions of high office in government or business. Many of us are not even in an intimate love relationship, which would occasionally bring some drama with it. In the West, most of us don't live in a house with an extended family in it. Extended families living in close quarters can be a breeding ground for drama. So we have books, literature, plays, films, TV series, many of which are predicated on drama. We have all manner of means to access them on our phones, tablets, computers, TVs, etc. Some believe drama is an inherently unhealthy or bad thing. Lots of people have profiles on dating websites which say "NO drama here!" "No tolerance for drama... you bring drama into my life and you're gone!" I'm not suggesting drama is inherently bad, negative or undesirable as those profiles proclaim. There's something human about drama, something very real, except maybe (ironically) on reality TV shows where the drama is stoked and at least partially staged. Human civilization by its very nature entails lots of drama, in families, communities, organizations and governments. It's just in our human nature, isn't it? So long as we're all imperfect and not quite saints. So long as we have our separate individual identities. So long as we have our egoic minds, there will be drama. Without tapping into the drama of others through TV, movies, the news, etc, our daily lives could become humdrum and boring. Many of us in the modern world live pretty much cut off from our neighbors. Our friends live quite a distance away from us, even in other cities and states. There's a universal human need at times for connection with the lives of others. There's a real human need for excitement, stimulation, and to give empathy and to show that we care. When people follow national or global politics for several hours a day, I wonder what needs are being met by that. It appears to be a need to participate in the grand human drama. A desire to get behind the values they want to see up at the top of our governments and other societal structures. The problem is that sometimes, in modern times, there is such a constant barrage of dramatic news constantly available that it's hard to limit it. It can become addictive in a way that is unhealthy and stressful. Some of my favorite movies involve characters who were up against nearly impossible odds. Who struggled like crazy against the "bad" characters while embodying the "good" qualities. These sympathetic movie characters would make some progress, then fall back, then make more progress, then fall back to the ground.. When I was younger I really enjoyed these sympathetic characters and their dramatic stories of great struggle and hardship. Now that I'm older, I have a lower tolerance/threshold for stress. Even for recreational stress like that which I experience while watching an action movie. Remember that beauty, and stress, are in the eye of the beholder. For instance, I find driving in heavy traffic to be stressful, yet others put on music or an audiobook and they find driving in rush hour to be relaxing. These days I hunger mostly for ease, for peace and quiet. I do enjoy some activity, some challenge, some movement, some drama here and there. It's just that I don't enjoy a steady diet of that. Also, as I get older, I've become more clear on what my values and needs are. At times I've missed having a personal love relationship, something that often can bring some drama with it. Even if I don't have that, I always have the platonic love of friends and family. I always have the love of spirit, or spiritual love from my mentors and spiritual friends. There are millions of souls all around that I can find ways to give love to in various ways. Recently I organized a plant-based food tasting at the public library. The people--most of them strangers to me--loved it! It was challenging, but I can honestly say it fulfilled some deep needs to give and receive love and appreciation beyond my immediate circle of friends. I found it expanded my heart and my capacity to give and receive. Some situations are notorious breeding grounds for toxic drama. The very thought of them can put your stomach into knots. Amazingly, at a recent condo board meeting with about 12 people present, the meeting, though tense at times, was peppered with laughter and joy. It felt like a family. Dysfunctional in some ways, for sure, but still there was a felt sense of family. Condo owners have shared assets, shared risks and shared rewards...that's one of the definitions of community. And those are the things that stimulate drama. So it appears to me that drama is neither good nor bad. It is what we make it out to be. It depends on whether we react to it negatively with judgment, or respond to it positively with compassion and care.